10.27.2019

To whom it Concerns at Hormel Foods…..

New Guacamole Packaging – What the actual fuck?!?

Forgive me but I have very strong feelings about guacamole. I am severely disabled, pissed off and I live alone. The ability to enjoy crushed, vacuum packed avocados on demand is the fuel that powers my will to live from one day into the next. Wholly Guacamole revolutionized the way, we as a culture, consume guacamole by making it possible to enjoy this amazing food as a single person. With it’s old, tried and true, vacuum sealed packaging, Wholly Guacamole was the only brand on the market that could be enjoyed just one serving at a time and stay nice and green in the refrigerator for up to two weeks. There was a delicious freedom in having the ability to decide for oneself: eat just a tiny bit, or eat a lot.

Standard advertising campaigns frequently depict guacamole as a food reserved only for festive occasions shared with beaming and energetic family and friends – a dish to be passed around vibrantly as people in the background cheer and those in the foreground sport face splitting smiles. However in the real world, this is not the only way, or probably the main way, in which it is consumed.

I eat guacamole every week since discovering your product about ten years ago. I remember thinking to myself my god!!!! this is the only way that guacamole ever should be packaged! I do not want to wait until I am invited to a party where guacamole will be present before I allow myself to enjoy it again. My able bodied friends will inevitably be too busy enjoying their amazing standardly abled lives to drop what they are doing at once, gather round with huge cheesy smiles on their faces, and help me consume all of this guacamole from the new party style packaging before it transforms itself into an undesirable brown mush.

You have unknowingly created a guacamole accessibility issue for me. I can recognize, in retrospect, that part of the blame does fall on me – for you are only hearing from me now. I took you for granted, Vacuum Packed Old Style Wholly Guacamole, and for that I am sorry. I never wrote you during those golden years to tell you how much you did for me on a weekly basis and how much I appreciated the flavor and joy that you once brought to my life.

On behalf of single, guacamole loving people everywhere,
– the MAD Cripple

Update: I never did hear back from Hormel Foods.  Hmph. Had a great idea to just buy the party style packaging, scoop it all out into a ziplock bag, squeeze all the air out and clip off the corner so it’s kinda like the old packaging.  It was a brilliant plan until I found out the new Wholly Guacamole recipe tastes like a soapy asshole.

Sigh.